Hey! you're not going to hear this, because that marriage between knowing nobody wants
you or cares about what you want, and the desperate fragility of knowing, too, that receiving
that inevitable, unavoidable rejection and dismissal, that ridicule, would shatter you into
dust. None of that and all of that was true.
Untruth from the power and knowledge , articulacy and agency, that you assumed everyone
but you had; it'll take you way too long to realise that everyone else is frightened and
insecure too, they're all winging it, so I thought I'd give you a heads up from your future to
maybe help you along your path.
I don't know how to tell you that you don't need to care what other people think about you,
because I remember that fear, nor am I entirely out of it even now, but really, you don't need
to make yourself invisible, or smile all the time to try and ingratiate yourself with bullies
who were locked in their own fear.
And when you, finally, tentatively, fearfully, start to connect with people you desire, you
were entirely good and right to hear and respect their saying β€œno”, but please make that
effort to transcend your expectation of failure by risking asking; consent needs both parties
to be active, and you will (you did) violate boundaries as a result of staying silent. Asking
might feel terrifying because of the possibility of getting β€œno” back, or far worse. β€œyes”, but
until you learn to take that risk, you'll not be able to have anything resembling an authentic
relationship. Nothing that could happen in the real world, with real people, will ever be as
bad as what you craft out of whole cloth in your own mind.
So. Work out what you want, for you, then ask for it without expectation; nobody will be
upset or angry for your asking if you learn to ask with equal acceptance of any answer you
get back. Oh, and believe it or not, you can write, and dance too.
30th March 2021